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My friend and fellow musician Elika Mahony visited my site the other day and pointed out that I haven't blogged in a while.  One reason is that recently I have been going through some mental/emotional/spiritual tests, and I didn't particularly want to broadcast my struggles to the world.  Now that I'm on the other side of this process (whew!), I thought I would try to share some of the fruits.

I recently met a lovely cellist named Jesse (that's a whole other beautiful story) who has as her email signature,

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?” ~ Khalil Gibran

I think this quote captures the essence of my recent experience, and I am grateful to have gone through this difficult time, as it stretched my heart to ultimately make room for more joy, peace, and certitude. 

I wrote a song during the rough period in an effort to release some of the pain.  I didn't finish it at the time, but tonight I filled in what was missing.  Despite the pain expressed here, I wanted to end the song with a note of hope, so I decided to sing one of my favorite prayers over the chorus at the end.  The prayer is by `Abdu'l-Bahá, and the words are: 

O God!  Refresh and gladden my spirit.  Purify my heart.  Illumine my powers.  I lay all my affairs in Thy hand.  Thou art my Guide and my Refuge.  I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being.  O God!  I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harass me.  I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life. 

O God!  Thou art more friend to me than I am to myself.  I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord. 

...and here are the lyrics to the song: 


Freedom of Choice 

my heart is burning
holes in my chest
my mind is churning
over this test

i wish i could
fast forward to when
this will all be gone

take the pain
i'll take the blame
take my heart
break me apart

take my soul
just make it go away
i can't go on

[chorus]
God don't make me choose
'cause either way, I'm sure to lose

my heart is breaking
in anticipation
with undulating
reverberation

shaking, making me
close in, to stop the din

i give in
i give in
i give in
i give in

take me

[chorus]

[chorus with Refresh & Gladden overlaid]
 


Comments

Elika Mahony

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 10:59:45 pm

Dear Kat,

I was so moved by your blog and your honesty in sharing what you have been through. I know it's not easy to share especially when one is going through those challenges, so I honor you for your courage in being real about life and its difficulties. I love the lyrics of your new song and look forward to hearing the outcome and how you will blend in the prayer. I'm sure it will be beautiful especially when sung with your gorgeous voice! Glad you're doing better and lovely to be in touch.

 

Katharine Key

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 11:13:45 pm

Thank you, Elika. And this reminds me that I should mention the beautiful blog post on your site about the purpose of tests: http://www.elikamahony.com/2009/03/27/the-purpose-of-tests-2/

 



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